Realizing I’ve been a bit distant lately on our social media, as well as personally, I thought I would give you an honest reason as to why.
I have known exactly what I wanted to do in life from the age of 3. I wanted to be a singer. There were blips of acting, charity work, and other passion projects along the way. But my path was clear. Now at the age of 27 the path is becoming more of a misty cloud than a stone ground. On a business level, our band is no longer with our record label SQE, a group of people I couldn’t say enough kind things about, and who have helped us endlessly along the way. As a band we’re taking a break to create separately. And my life personally is 100% unrecognizable to how it was a month ago. For those of you who know me, I take these changes in life like a kid to a candy shop. I live for them. I live for challenges, and new branches being grown to climb. But that’s where I encounter my problem. The branches I have yet to climb, have not grown yet. The path that I have seen so clearly my entire life, has turned into a cloud. Metaphors aside, I have no clue what makes me truly happy, where my heart is, and where I will go next. My definition of happiness has evolved and changed into something so much deeper than I ever imagined. (I’m nearly tearing up just at the thought of this.) Although my idea of what I wanted in life was clear, my level of happiness was just the minimum. Somewhere inside I never believed I could have a career, and a relationship, and a home. And that has taken its toll in many ways. If I want to go Oprah Winfrey on the subject, maybe I didn’t think I deserved it. But now I do. Now I whole-heartedly believe I do, and that everyone deserves these things. Or whatever group of wishes they desire. I have friends telling me they’re settling for less in relationships, in jobs, in dreams, and I wonder why. Then I realize I have been doing the exact same thing, but it just didn’t look that way on paper. Opening for Metric, getting to tour with amazing bands like Digitalism (who will forever be the standard of how amazing human beings can be), and having other exciting musical life experiences have been a gift I couldn’t have imagined I’d get and hope to have more of in the future. But when a sudden change was thrown my way, my ideas of happiness burst into the universe like a star exploding to become something else. A planet perhaps. The idea that I had been so focused on one specific path for so long, like a wild horse with blinders on, now seems like settling to me. The idea of traveling and creating with other artists, or going on a soul searching mission with my best friend and sister of 15 years, or finding a way to help people through a new form of music, these are the things I’m taking some time to explore.
I was listening to a Ted talk this morning on how doubt is essential to faith. Religious details aside, doubting yourself, or having other people doubt you and show you that through their actions, these are essential to what will make you grow as a human being. Doubt has made me grow more in one month, than I have in the last three years. I have been so blessed to have a family who has never doubted me for a second. I realize through conversations lately that not everyone has such supportive parents, and that is something I want to pass forward one day. Pay it forward, as my mother has taught me. “You get something, you give half of it away” she says. I always wondered why she only ever said ‘half’ and not all of it, but I think it’s because you need the other half for yourself. For your soul to know that you deserve something as well. I’ve strayed somewhat from my message, but what I’m trying to say is I’m taking some time to find out where, and how I want to give this other half away. I want to help people more. I want to learn, grow, and fuel my soul with art and love. I want to fall in love again. I want to fall in love with music again. This isn’t a goodbye, or an ending. But it is an honest answer as to why I’ve been distant, why I will be a distant, and a promise that it is genuine and loving exploration of myself and the world around me. As Lykke Li stated once in a journal entry, she said she was ‘on the search’ as an artist. I couldn’t phrase it better myself. I’m not stopping writing, I’ve got my coffee and headphones next to me as I’m typing this. I’ve actually never written so much in my life as I have this last week taking time ‘off’. I’m inspired by the pages of an old poetry book I never would have touched, had life not thrown me a change of plans. Living in a new home I’m exposed to music I otherwise never would have listened to. I play piano every single morning, something I haven’t done since I was a child. I remember songs I had written, that have been buried for years. These are all the molecules of what will form something beautiful down the road creatively, and that I’ll share with you when this time comes. A solo album, or collaborative project, these are all details that will be revealed to you, once they are revealed to me. This is just a personal message that I felt I had to tell all of you because you have been so good to us, and formed such personal connections. I also feel as though whenever I write these articles, I’m overwhelmed by the amount of people who can relate to them, and to me. So for any of you out there, settling in relationships, in jobs, in dreams jobs even: Being a star has gotten you this far, but if you’re settling for less than you deserve, become a planet. Be a place that allows yourself to grow, to love more than you ever imagined, to find pleasure and happiness in ways you never thought existed. Give the other half away. I’ll be right there with you trying my best to do the same. See you on the other side of the misty cloud, my sweet exploding stars.